Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz
by Mosaic and the Skoolgurlz
Summary: In the most METAL story you'll ever read, Hagrid, Luna, Ron, Aragog, McGonagall, and Dumbledore form a heavy metal band. Will this band have the balls to make it? You decide! Maybe. Not really. Dumbledore/Cthulhu, Luna/Yaoi, Your Mom/Everyone
1. Heavy Metal!

One day in the bright land of merry Scotland, Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry was transported into an alternate dimension where Harry is still in his sixth year, Dumbledore is still alive, Voldemort is a pussy and yet somehow also a unic (*we'll tell you how later*), it was somehow 2010, and Ron is still afraid of everything that moves. One day in this freaky AU, Hagrid was walking through the Forbidden Forest en route to visit his half-brother, Grawp. Grawp was mentally challenged by Wizarding standards, but somehow also a fan of heavy metal. Do not ask why.

"Lodudodudo, goin' to see mah brutha, Grawp!" sang Hagrid, horribly off-key.

Hagrid eventually made it past the centaurs and giant spiders to see his colossal, stupid, smelly, poopy, adjective-filled brother.

"'Ello, Grawp!" said Hagrid, as if it were still the 1890's.

"Uro, buruva!" screamed Grawp as if he had no inside voice.

"'O, 'uts new?" asked 'Agrid.

"I have news bad. Ice cream gone and me broke new girdle," said Grawp as if the world was about to end. "Also, me die soon."

"WTF?!?!" 733T'd Hargird.

"Ugh, Grawp have huge tumor in thinking place. It grow to size of me."

Hagrid then noticed that Grawp's head was the size of a tree. "…'Ow didn't I notice that?" he asked, stupidly.

"Grawp have one wish."

"Anything, Grawpy!"

"Grawp want Hagrid to make heavy metal band! Make one with Harry and Hermeanie and Dracula and hot old teacher with funny name."

"…Dumbledore?"

"No, girl Dumbledore. And me want to see first concert."

"Oh, Grawp, I don't think you'll live to see it. You have a tumor…in your 'ead…the size of a centaur's dangledoos!"

"Then Grawp die now. Bye-bee!"

Grawp died that day of a tumor that took up most of his body, as well as most of the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid stood there in disbelief. Then, Hagrid gained a look of determination.

"…I mus' live up to Grawp's dream! I must make a 'eavy metal band with 'Arry and 'Ermione and 'exy Dumbledore…but first, I need to find the most _**metal**_ person I know!"

Hagrid ran through the Forbidden Forest to find the nest of Aragog's clan. The giant spiders fled in terror as the half-giant trudged in at twenty-miles-per-hour. Aragog raised his lack-of-eyebrow as Hagrid came to him.

"Hagrid, I assumed that you would not come today. I wished you would give me some children to eat, but **noooooooooo**. I have to eat tiny freaking unicorn babies."

"Aragog, Grawp is dead!"

"…I suppose that means you will not wish for me to not feast on him, not not," said Aragog, trying and failing to do a Jedi mind-trick.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead, but the point is I need you to be in mah new 'heavy metal band!"

"…Heavy metal? Is that a thing? Like a rubber band made of aluminum?"

"No, but 'at is a _**metal**_ idea! I need you to play the drums in a band! You have lots of legs, right?"

"No, Hagrid," Aragog said, trying sarcasm for the first time. He was a sarcasm virgin. "I am an amputee, and I ate my legs."

"But I see your legs right there!" said Hagrid, also being a sarcasm virgin. "You need to, for the children!"

As Hagrid said children, Aragog's mouth watered. "Sure! I'll do it! For the bite-sized children!"

A few hours later, Hagrid, after squeezing into his leather pants and making Aragog put on black eyeliner(which took about thirty-minutes), the two ran onto the Hogwarts grounds. The children screamed as a fat man and a giant spider came closer to the castle.

"HOLY CRAP! A GIANT ANT!" said a stupid first-year.

"No, you bloody fool! It's a butterfly!" said an even stupider first year.

"Wait, it's a Giant Enemy Crab!" screamed Goyle.

"Attack its weak point for massive damage!" screamed Crabbe. Crabbe then pulled out a Wizarding shank and ran to Aragog. Aragog then did something to him off-screen. Crabbe was never heard from again.

Just then, Hermione, Ron, and everyone's favorite emo child, Harry Potter the Great, walked onto the scene. They all looked very perplexed.

"…Is that Aragog?" asked Hermione.

"Oi, I think it is!" screamed Ron.

"Shut up, Ron," said Hermione.

Hagrid then took out a random megaphone. "'Ello, Cleaveland!"

"What's that?" asked Harry?

"I'm looking for children to be in mah 'eavy metal band!" screamed Hagrid, excitedly.

"Do you mean heavy metal?" asked Ron.

"Shut up Ron," said Hagrid over the megaphone. "I need young schoolgirls to be a part of mah band, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz!"

"Oh no!" screamed Hermione. "His blatant misspellings have made my ears bleed! This fan fiction is turning out to be a horrible mistake!"

As usual, everyone ignored Hermione's fourth wall breaking and acted as if her breasts had shrunk.

"I need everyone here who can play an instrument to line up!" screamed Hagrid.

Everyone on campus backed away slowly. Ron, however, ran forward.

"I can! I can play the bass!" said Ron, as if he was taking about the fish. "Now no one can say shut up to me, because I'll be in a band!"

"SHUT UP, RON!" said everyone, ever.

Luna walked forward with a dazed look on her face. She tripped along the way.

"I can play the electric accordion!" said Luna. "It sounds like a Blogsplon's mating call."

"That's the second most _**metal**_ thing ever!" screamed Hagrid.

Professor McGonagall ran forward with her large hat bouncing in the wind.

"I say! This is horrible! You've killed a child."

"Oh, he would have died anyway!" said Hagrid, pointing the megaphone right at McGonagall's face.

"…Oh, yes. I forgot…I CAN PLAY SUPPORTING GUITAR!"

"_**METAL**_!!!" screamed Hagrid, bursting more than one child's ear drums.

"Oh, oh, oh!" screamed an insane and yet soothing voice. "I want to sing!"

Dumbledore ran to Hagrid and jumped onto his head.

"I want to be in the band! I have my outfit picked out already! And if you let me lead, I'll give you Neville!"

"I accept," said Aragog, licking his spider-lips with is spider-tongue.

"And I'll be the manager so I can have your money and use it for more breast implants!" said Hermione. "That way, everyone wins!"

"Boing!" said her breasts.

And so, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz was formed, and from that day forth, this AU Hogwarts will never be the same. Especially since most of the students are now deaf.


	2. I'll Burn Your House Down, Feat NAMBLA

After one month of practice, it became clear that none of them knew what the Hell they were doing. Only Aragog managed to finish a full song on the drums and Hagrid learned that he can use his beard to play the guitar. The electric accordion killed anyone who played it, so Goyle was very stupid for stealing it from Luna. He thought it was food. It was then swapped out for an electric saxophone. McGonagall did not have any musical talent whatsoever, but she did manage to up the fanservice with her foxy MILF, or rather GILF, looks.

Dumbledore, however, was the most metal singer of all time. He could screech like a banshee, change his pitch like a banshee, dress like a banshee, and managed to write their first song, "_Like a Banshee"_. Dumbledore dressed for success, with a white leather, skintight one-piece, with a glitter codpiece. This, however, scared Ron. Ron also refused to do anything with Aragog as he is a major pussy.

"I don't want to be in the band! Aragog is scary and I've seen too much of Dumbledore's peeny!" shouted Ron, like an infant with a bad rash.

"Oh please," started Aragog, "I just want to hug you, spin a web around you, and suck out your bodily fluids. Is that too scary for you?"

"Yes!" screamed Ron.

"Ron," Luna said, "I've heard that without bodily fluids, people can live up to five years longer than people with bodily fluids."

"No, they can't!"

"Shut up, Ron," said McGonagall, adjusting her diamond-encrusted corset.

"Okay, everyone!" said Hagrid. "It's been one month and…and we don't know any songs."

"I made seven!" said Dumbledore.

"All of them are about making love to little boys. I doubt anyone wants to hear that," said McGonagall.

"Oh, what a coincidence," said Hermione, "our first gig is at a NAMBLA meeting."

"…Nihon Anime and Manga Boys-Love Admirers?" asked Luna, showing the world her _fudoshi_ side.

"Close," said Hermione. "It's actually the North American Man/Boy Love Association. People, we're going to NEW YORK CITY!!!"

"NEW YORK!" echoed her breasts.

"No! I'm not going anywhere! This band is scaring me!" screamed Ron, like a bitch.

"Do it or I'll burn your 'ouse down!" shouted Hagrid.

"But it already burned down…"

"No! No excuses!"

Three days later, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz landed in New York City. Around them, cowboys and Indians were fighting using falling stocks. Don't ask how that works. One of the cowboys, who looked suspiciously like J.D. from Scrubs, came up to the band.

"Hello, welcome to America. I'm the sheriff of America!" said the Jewish cowboy.

"…I WANNA GO HOME!!!!" shouted Ron, like a bitch.

"Shut up, Ron," said the Jewish cowboy, somehow knowing his name. "Anyway, you all heain' to the NAMBLA meatin'? I guess ya'll best hurry before it becomes overpopulated with the Yoai Fangirls who try to sneak in."

"Yaoi? They have that here, too? I thought it was only at Hogwarts," said Luna. "But, I'm never in them. Only the boys… and sometimes Hermione."

"And I'm always such a bitch!" said Hermione.

"And flat," added her breasts.

And so, the wizards, witches, and giant effing spiders rode on a giant train heading for the NYC NAMBLA meeting. Once they got off of the now half-devoured train, the band went into the meeting, seeing many, many, many old white men in their forties holding hands with small Asian boys.

"Wow, it's like an anime convention," said Luna, "Only the men aren't dressed as Sailor Moon."

As Hermione made many of the token women members of NAMBLA set up the stage, Dumbledore and Hagrid slipped into their leather. Ron was busy running away from a particularly large man, Luna was taking pictures, and McGonagall immediately recognized her brother in the masses of pedophiles.

The band went onstage and Dumbledore shouted into the microphone.

"HELLO, APPLESAUCE! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!"

"Yes!" screamed the men.

"No," said the little boys.

"Okay! This is a little song I call 'On My Head'," screamed Dumbledore.

Ron began to rock out of the bass, but the realized he was holding the fish, not the instrument. Luna shot out some beats on her electric saxophone, and McGonagall strummed on her guitar. Aragog played three drum sets at once. Hagrid's beard rocked out on his guitar, and he himself busted out some dance moves. Dumbledore then began to sing.

**NAMBLA*beep**beep**beep**beep*BOY'S LOVE*beep**beep**beep**beep*ON MY HEAD*beep**beep**beep**beep***

***beep*ROCKING*beep**beep**beep**beep*LISA NEEDS BRACES*beep**beep**beep**beep***

***beep**beep**beep*METAL*beep**beep*MURMAIDER*beep**beep*ON MY HEAD*beep**beep***

***beep**beep*CHEWING GUM*beep**beep*SILVER*beep**beep*GLOWING*beep**beep**beep***

***beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*DENTAL PLAN*beep**beep*PUMPKIN*beep**beep***

***beep*BEYOND THE IMPOSSIBLE*beep**beep**beep*J.K. ROWLING*beep*PEDOS*beep**beep*I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCE*beep**beep***

***beep**beep*YAOI FANGIRLS*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY*beep**beep***

***beep**beep**beep*PROTECT MY BALLS*beep**beep*APPLESAUCE*beep*LITTLE BOY'S*beep**beep**beep*MIKU HATSUNE**

***beep**beep**beep**beep*LET'S FIGHTING LOVE*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep***

***beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*ON MY HEAD!!!**

The music was so metal, that all of the little boys aged seven years and grew beards. The old men then ran away, un-aroused and screaming "Eww, gay!". The boys then rejoiced in freedom and also ran away.

"Woohoo, we rocked!" said Hagrid.

"Woohoo, I sang like a Banshee!" said Dumbledore.

"Woohoo, they paid upfront!" said Hermione. "This one's going straight into the implant fund."

"YAY!" said everyone.

"And I got souvenirs," said Luna as she dragged two boys with her. "They'll make better pets than my old Granglops."

"Now then, where to next?" asked Hermione.

"Let's metal out in California!" screamed Hagrid.

"No, Hungary. It's the gay porn capital of the world!" said Luna.

"I vote Hungary!" shouted Dumbledore.

"I wanna go home!" said Ron, bitching again.

"Well, Bloody Gothic Rose 666 is touring in California, so Hungary it is," said Hermione. "I heard that they have money out the ass, anyway."

"What's coming out the ass?" asked Dumbledore.

"I say, isn't the school in trouble without us?" asked McGonagall, suddenly noticing that she hadn't taught her class since she joined the band.

"No, Snape will handle it," said Dumbledore.

Meanwhile, Snape had all the children in Hogwarts above a lava pit. Each child was connected to a rope that Snape could easily cut.

"Now, each one of you must answer a question correctly to survive. If one student answers a question incorrectly, they will fall into the pit. Now then, you child! What is a fire crab native to?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M DEAF!" said the child.

"Wrong," said Snape. Snape then cut the child loose and the child burned. Badly.

"I knew I should have gone with them," said Harry through burning eyes.


	3. Motorboating Underwater

After three days of signing autographs to squirrels at Time Square, Ron got rabies. No one cared, so he suffered in silence. As the band continued to ignore Ron, Hermione, who had made a magic tour bus from a old school bus, pushed everyone into the bus so they can make their way to Hungary.

"SEATBELTS, EVERYONE!" screamed Hermione, as Liz from the Magic School Bus sat on her shoulder.

**Cruisin' on down Main Street**

**You're relaxed and feelin' good**

**Next thing that you know you're seein'**

**Octopus in the neighborhood!**

**Surfin' on a sound wave**

**Swingin' through the stars**

**Take a left at your intestine**

**Take your second right past Mars.**

**On THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS**

**Navigate a nostril**

**Climb on THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS**

**Spank a plankton, too**

**On our Magic School Bus**

**Raft a river of lava**

**On THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS**

**Such a fine thing to do!**

**So strap your bones right to the seat**

**Come on in and don't be shy —**

**Just to make your day complete**

**You might get baked into a pie**

**On THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS...**

**Step inside — it's a wilder ride!**

**Come on — ride on THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS!**

"…That was an overly long joke," said McGonagall.

"No, it was the THIRD MOST **METAL** THING EVER!" screamed Hagrid.

So Hermione, Liz(who magically came into the story), Hagrid, Dumbledore, Aragog, McGonagall, Ron, Hermione's breasts, Luna, and her two Japanese Yaoi Pets(whom she named Sora and Riku, no real relation) flew off of the street and into the air. Where they're going, they don't need roads.

While in the sky heading for Hungary, Ron foamed at the mouth, but no one cared. Luna began dressing up Sora and Riku as Naruto and Sasuke and assigned them their ranks. Since they were eleven and aged seven years after Dumbledore's song, they were now 100% legal. Sora was the uke and Riku was the seme. The two tried to remain silent. Dumbledore, who was sliding into a new outfit, began to get impatient.

"Are we there yet?" asked Dumbledore.

"No, Dumbledore. And no, aparating won't work. Because? Because I said so. Now eat your applesauce."

"I don't want my applesauce, I want Hungary!" screamed Dumbledore.

"McGonagall!" shouted Hermione loudly and redundantly.

"I'm on it."

McGonagall grabbed Dumbledore's applesauce and diaper.

"No! No!" shouted Dumbledore. Dumbledore ran away from McGonagall and jumped into Hermione's breasts. The Marshmallow Hell devoured Dumbledore and Liz had to dive in to save him.

"With every new victim we consume, we grow stronger!" screamed Hermione's left breast, Mrs. Jiggles.

"We need to save Dumbledore!" screamed Hermione, knowing her breasts' power.

"I know!" said Luna. "We need motorboating power! Riku, go and play with her breasts!"

"_Hai, Runa-sama_!" shouted Riku. Riku ran to the driver's seat and placed his face into Hermione's cleavage. He then expelled air from his mouth and moved his head side-to-side.

"HAHAHA!!! STOP, IT TICKLES!!!!" shouted Hermione.

Hermione then accidentally hit the emergency brake, which they have on a flying bus for some reason. The bus stopped mid-air and began to fall. Dumbledore and Liz flew out of Hermione's breasts just in time for the entire bus to crash land into the water. The bus then began to sink into the depths of the ocean.

After about five minutes of sinking, the bus hit the seafloor. The bus doors opened and the bus filled with water. The band could still breathe, however, because if Batman can breathe in space, then wizards can breathe underwater.

The band walked out of the bus. Wouldn't you? As they walked along the sea floor, wondering aimlessly, they noticed lights in the distance. Then ran to the lights, noticing they were coming from an underwater stadium. They noticed that they were in the lost city of New Orleans.

"_Sugoi_!" shouted Sora.

"Wow, New Orleans! I never knew this actually existed!" said Aragog. "Weren't there people here once?"

"Well, I don't think that those could be considered people," said McGonagall. "…That wasn't racist, right?"

"No, no…It was…it was good," said Hermione, knowing that McGonagall wasn't very PC when it came to Americans.

"Hey, isn't Louisiana south of New York? Weren't we going to Hungary?" asked McGonagall. "Do you even know where Hungary is?"

"…Shut up!" she defended. "I'm a witch, not a geographer!"

The band continued on. They walked into the stadium to see thousands of mermaids in the stands. The hot ones, like Ariel, not the Harry Potter ones. On the stage, a merman was juggling pineapples. Underwater. Go figure.

"Looks like this place could use some **METAL**!" shouted Hagrid. He then took out his guitar from his anus _I MEAN_ deep pockets. The rest of the band did the same. They ran up to the stage and pushed the merman off. The mermaids looked intrigued and horny. Fish horny, I guess. Scaly?

"Hello, ladies!" shouted Hagrid.

"Zugzug hello," said the mermaids in a deeper voice than you'd expect to hear from hot fish-people.

Hagrid brandished his guitar. Luna flaunted her saxophone. Hermione posed with her breasts(that doubled as castanets). Ron snarled. McGonagall made a sexy pose with her guitar that broke her hip. Liz pulled out her tongue, which is used like a banjo. Riku and Sora took out their tambourines in an apathetic manor. Aragog, having drums, could not do anything funny. Dumbledore, in a leather, frilled bikini, danced with his microphone.

"Zugzug Giant Enemy Crab!" shouted one mermaid.

"Zugzug attack its weak point for massave damage!" said a mermaid. Yes, this is a recurring joke. Deal with it.

Hermione rolled out the electrical amplifiers. As Hagrid plugged in his guitar, a giant ball of electricity flew from the guitar, frying every unnamed character in the stadium. The band looked shocked. They then grabbed their supplies and ran like bats out of Hell.

As they ran back to the bus, they noticed that Dumbledore was gone. They looked around, seeing no one.

"…Where's Dumbledore?" asked Luna, pointing out the obvious. "I hope the sea didn't eat him."

"Snarl," said Ron. Ron rabidly pointed to the left, where an abomination of Lovecraftian proportions was carrying Dumbledore. Both were in skanky lingerie.

"Hello, my underlings!" said Dumbledore. "This is Cthulu, one of the Old Ones. His existence makes the universe's head hurt. We did it. Several times."

"Wrlfbalsdvgon," _lashjkr_ed Cthulu.

Dumbledore jumped off of Cthulu. Cthulu waved good-bye.

"See you, sweetie. I have your number, you have mine, so let's get together sometime," said Dumbledore. "I'm not going to call," he whispered to the band.

The band then got back onto the bus and never mentioned this again.


	4. The Irish Will Sue

As soon as the bus reached land, all of the band walked out of the bus and stretched their legs. They were parked on a beach, with several sunbathers under their tires. Hagrid looked at one of the crushed sunbathers and poked his head.

"Excuse me, where a' we?" asked Hagrid.

"…I…Ireland…die."

The man then died. Hagird then took his guitar and riffed a melancholic chord in memory of the useless exposition character.

"**Memories, oh memories! Why do you slip my mind?**

**Why must I live in a world without this man, who died for my sins?**

**Oh, this random Irish man!" sang Hagrid.**

"**Random Irish man!" sang the random nuns in the background.**

"**Probably a drunk, probably beat his wife,**

**But I don't care!" sang Hagrid.**

"**No, no, he don't care!" sang the token black nun.**

"**OH, MY RANDOM IRISH MAN!!! Why, why did you die?**

**I just want to hear your voice one more time!" sang Hagrid.**

"…Hospital!" shouted the Irish man, going unheard over the rockin' out.

"**Random, random, random Irish man! Oh man!**

**He died, I cried, she lied, McDonald's fried,**

**But I don't care…**

**Because he was my…**

**RANDOM IRISH MAN!!!!!!!!" shouted Hagrid.**

There was a light applause from the rest of the beach-goers. However, they really didn't care, as it was not _Danny Boy_.

"That'll be seventeen Euro! Each!" shouted Hermione, taking a wizard's hat and reaching it out to the Irish. The Irish, however, just walked off the beach, shouting "Bloody Brits" and other Irish swears.

"Damn! We need money!" shouted Hermione.

"What about the money we got from NAMBLA?" asked McGonagall.

"Please, I spent it on these," said Hermione, pointing to her gag boobs.

"Boing," shouted Hermione's breasts in a duet.

"Well, didn't we get anything from New Orleans?" asked McGonagall.

"We found some pearls…" started Aragog.

"But, I used them as anal beads," said Dumbledore.

"…KQHWEN!" shouted Ron. Apparently this rabies joke is ongoing.

"Well then, we'll just give them to Harry," said Luna.

"I love souvenirs!" shouted Harry, off-screen.

"Okay, Harry gets anal beads for Christmas then. _In other news, we still need money_," said Hermione.

"We could do a show," said McGonagall.

"Nah, tha's too much work for thuh writers," said Hagrid.

"Maybe we should just beg," Aragog said. "The Irish usually listen to large spiders."

"You know, I always thought you were a crab," said Luna.

Dumbledore, Hagrid, Ron, Hermione, Hermione's breasts, Luna, Riku, Sora, McGonagall, and Aragog walked down the streets of this random Irish town to find a well-lit pub. The group then sat down and made their own stalls.

Hagrid began playing his guitar for money. Hermione grabbed two call-girls off the street and became their Madame. Luna forced Riku and Sora into a similar predicament. Ron foamed at the mouth, and McGonagall used this as an attempt to put on a freak show. Dumbledore acted insane, as usual. Aragog simply ate everyone that came by. This seriously hurt everyone's business.

After an hour, everyone met up to see how much money they made. Sadly, combined, they only made two Euro.

"Wait, what about Aragog?!" shouted Hermione. "Didn't you eat everyone?!"

"I also ate their wallets. My mother said I didn't eat enough greens," said Aragog.

**BUH-DUM CHEE!!!**

"…That was ghastly," said Hermione.

"I know," said Aragog, "but my mother said…"

"No more puns!" shouted McGonagall. "I'm hungry, and unless I get fed in the next hour, I'm going home!"

"A'ight, fine! We'll go into thuh pub and beg in theuh," said Hagrid.

The band walked into the pub and took out their hats from, I guess, their anuses. They walked from table to table, begging for money. Except for Ron, who will remain rabid until the joke stops being funny. No one, however, even looked at them. They all continued to drink their Guinness and sing _Danny Boy_.

"This sucks," said Hermione.

"We needa thinka somethin'!" said Hagrid.

"Sora, quick! Do something!" shouted Luna.

Sora cleared his throat.

"**Oh, Danny Boy…"**

"No, not that!" shouted Dumbledore. "We need to think of something CRAZY!!!!"

"The old one's right. We must eat the wives and save the husbands for later," said Aragog.

"No…no…wait!" shouted Hermione. "Everyone, what're the Irish known for?!"

"Drinking?" asked Luna.

"Brawling?" asked McGonagall.

"Khewdb?" asked Ron.

"Catholicism?" asked Aragog.

"Yes, all of those, except Ron," said Hermione. "I have an idea…"

Hermione jumped onto a table and started unbuttoning her shirt. As she flashed the men in the pub, everyone stared.

"Now that I have your attention, I just noticed that EVERYONE IN THE PUB HAD FREE BEER IN THEIR KIDNEYS!!!! FIND IT NOW!!!!!"

The Irish then jumped out of their seats and punched everyone in the bar. With a brawl of Irish proportions, McGonagall and Hagrid ran to everyones coats and grabbed all of the wallets they could find. Hermione laughed as loud as she could while her breasts crushed her lungs under their weight.

The brawl then became fierce. Ron, compelled by the rabies, joined in the fight by attacking a drunken priest. The priest, in anger, tried to hit Ron, but ended up hitting Hagrid's beard.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!" shouted Hagrid. Hagird punched the priest so hard that he flew across the room and hit Sora. In a Yaoi fury, Riku then body slammed the priest, all while the priest was on top of Sora. Luna then took many pictures.

"Imma put these on my MySpace!" she squee'd.

"Evil homosexuality!" shouted the priest. The priest then threw Riku and Sora across the pub with all of his drunken might. My God, a priest is fighting wizards. What have I created?

"Stop him! He's tenderizing the boys!" shouted Aragog. Aragog ran to the priest and kick him. "SPINNING BIRD KICK!!!" shouted Aragog. He then used his eight legs to lip off Chun-Li in the most spectacular way possible. Sadly, he ended up kicking Ron instead. Ron brandished his non-fangs at Aragog, but Aragog just scowled.

"This rabies joke has gone far enough!" he said. Aragog then fang-raped Ron, sucking the rabies out of his body.

Hermione looked at the horror she caused. "My God, I COULD RULE THE WORLD!!!"

"Oi, that's it!" shouted one Irish man. Every drunkard in the pub then pulled out a wand.

"Sweet Jesus, they're all wizards!" shouted McGonagall. "Run before they use a forbidden spell!"

Hagrid, Hermione, Hermione's breasts, Luna, Ron, Riku, Sora, McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Aragog ran away from the drunken wizards. They, in super slow motion, ran out of the pub just as the Irishmen shouted their spells.

"Kamehameha!"

"Hadoken!"

"SHOOP DA WHOOP!"

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!"

With those spells, the entire pub exploded in a way that would make Michael Bay wet himself in pleasure. The band jumped in a fantastic way, flying with the explosion all the way back to the beach and into the bus.

"PUNCH IT!!!" shouted Hagrid. Liz then got off of her ass and jumped into the driver's seat. She closed the door and, just as Ireland began to fall apart, make the bus fly into the sky. No Irish were ever heard from again.


	5. Zombie Strippers! Zombie Strippers!

As the band continued to fly away from the hole that was once the Emerald Isle, they decided that it is time for a real show instead of a mass murder. They began to debate on where they should land.

"I say we go home," said McGonagall. "I'm bored with this and you all are terrible at singing."

"I say we go to Switzerland," said Aragog. "The children are fat and rich."

"I miss the cowboys and Indians. Let's go to India!" said Ron.

"That's not…you're…an…idiot," said Hermione, trying and failing to find the correct words to verbally abuse her canon-husband.

"Let's go to Japan! Bukkake for all!" shouted Dumbledore.

"I second that!" said Luna.

"No!" shouted Hermione. "We all know who'd be tentacle raped the second we get in there…Ron."

"Why me?!"

"Because they prefer virgins."

"I know! Let's go perform a benefit concert in the Darfur!" said Dumbledore. "People are starving and have to prostitute themselves for food!"

"Yes, Darfur is a very sad place," said Aragog. "The children are starving."

"And, the civil war has been going on for so long," said Luna, "and we all know that no one is ever happy with war."

Everyone lit a small candle and shed a tear.

"TO DARFUR!" said Hagrid.

"DARFUR!" said everyone else.

Upon landing in Paris, the entire band jumped out of the bus with instruments in hand.

"Weren't we going to Darfur?" asked Luna.

"Shut up, Ron!" shouted Hagrid.

"But I didn't…!" started Ron.

The band walked down the streets of Paris, going past all of the African immigrant street peddlers, Gypsy street urchins, and well off African-French and Roma citizens. McGonagall couldn't tell the difference, that racist bitch. As they continued on, they finally reached the Moulin Rouge.

"The Moulin Rouge?! That's my favorite movie/musical/food!" shouted Luna.

"Th'n it's decid'd! We'll play in the titty barn!" said Hagrid.

Everyone then jumped and froze in the air as if it were a nineteen-eighties credit sequence. The names of the actors then proceeded to run on screen, but Aragog then ate the names. The band then thudded to the Earth and ran up to the gates of the Moulin Rouge. But then, a stripper-slash-bouncer stopped them in their tracks.

"Freeze!" said the she-bouncer. "You can't bring les enfants into the Moulin Rouge! There are whores in there!"

"Um…Quick!" said Hagrid. "Dumbledore, use a Jedi mind-trick!"

"Uh…what's a Jedi?" asked the she-bouncer.

"Quick!" screamed Hagrid. "While sh's confused!"

The entire band ran past the confused she-bouncer and into the main hallway. In the hallway, the strippers gave lap dances, the can-can dancers can-can'd, and the gay men looked desperately for Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman. The band ran onto the stage and kicked the dancers off, setting up shop on the stage.

"'Ello, cheese-eating surrender monkies!" screamed Hagrid. "We're Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz! Straight from Scotland!"

"Boo!" said the Frenchmen.

"Screw you!" said Hagrid.

"We'll be singing a duet tonight, titled _On The Wings of a Hippogriff_! Sang by Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall," said Hermione.

"**Oh, what love we share tonight," sang Dumbledore.**

"**Oh yes, the feeling's just right!" sang McGonagall.**

"**Oh, we need to fly!" sang Dumbledore.**

"**Fly!" sang McGonagall.**

"**Fly on the wings of a Hippogriff!" sang Dumbledore.**

"**On the wings of a Hippogriff!" sang McGonagall**

"**If we just wait for the wind to guide us through, we can make it to the end and beyond!**

**Oh, it's just love! Love, it's just! Oh, on the wings of a Hippogriff!" sang Dumbledore.**

"**Wings! Oh, the glorious wings!" sand McGonagall.**

"**The wings of a Hippogriff! On the wings, on the wings!" sang Dumbledore.**

"**On the wings of a…Hippo…griiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiff!" they sang.**

The audience half-heartedly applauded. The band bowed and then Hermione ran to the head whore.

"So, about money…"

"…We never hired you people," said the whore.

"…Well, the audience didn't know that!" said Hermione.

"…They don't care," said the whore.

"But we need something! I've been making these people work for free for days!" screamed Hermione.

"Well…I guess there is something we can do for you," said the whore.

"What?!" asked Hermione.

The whore pointed to Ron, who was taking to a porcelain elephant. "We want him."

"…_WHAT_?!" screamed Hermione.

"In France, red hair is a sign of virility and sexual mastery," said the whore. "Besides, now that Ireland is destroyed, he's an endangered species."

"…Oh, you noticed…right…BUT IT'LL COST YOU!!!" said Hermione.

"How much?"

"Fifty!"

"Twelve."

"Forty-eight!"

"Eleven."

"You went down!"

"Take it or leave it," said the whore, reaching into her breasts to get her wallet.

"Fine," said Hermione, reaching into her breasts to get Ron's contract. "Geez, I bet Harry doesn't have to go through this crap."

Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Harry, Draco, Neville, and Cho Chang were hiding in the Great Hall as zombies ran through the entire school.

"Dammit, Harry!" screamed Draco. "How'd this happen?!"

"Hey, Neville did it! He was the one that called the zombie sex line!" said Harry in his defense.

"But I thought it said 'zebra' sex line!" said Neville.

"That doesn't make it better!" screamed Cho.

"And what's worse, since we're wizards, we don't have guns or chainsaws!" said Harry.

"Doesn't Hagrid have a chainsaw?" asked Cho.

"_He took it with him_!" shouted Harry. "Okay, we might be the last ones in the school alive. If so, I claim Cho for when we have to breed. Draco, you can have Neville."

"Oh my God!" shouted Draco, totally in character. "Where the Hell is Snape in all of this?!"

Snape, meanwhile, was busy learning how to dance to _Motteke! Sailor Fuku _while the school was overrun by the undead. It was a funny sight. Too bad this is a fanfiction, or else I could actually show you how Wapanese he looked.

"Well, crap," said Harry. "We are, officially, screwed."

Back in Paris, Ron was taken away by two French whores. Hermione then pranced back to the band members.

"Wait, what are those Christmas cakes doing with Ron-san?" asked Riku.

"Well, we didn't make money from the song, so I whored him out," said Hermione.

"WHAT?!" screamed McGonagall.

"Does that mean you're a pimp?" asked Aragog.

"The correct term is 'Madame'," corrected Hermione.

"That's awful!" said Luna.

"Well at least I was able to get eleven PESOS?!?!?!" she said as she looked at the money she got, realizing she was paid Mexican currency. "I WAS SCAMMED!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hermione then stormed through the Moulin Rouge, opening all the doors in the building. She saw many things, and after realizing that the whores could be doing said things to Ron, she ran faster. Hermione finally found the room with Ron and the two whores. But it was too late. As she opened the door, the whores squeezed back into their leather lingerie.

"Crap!" said Hermione.

"What…what happened?!" said Ron, confused.

"Ron, did you just get laid?!"

"I…I think I did," said Ron.

A tiny tear formed in the sky.

"…Oh, God! We need to leave, now! The fabric of reality is tearing!" screamed Hermione.

Hermione grabbed Ron and pulled him to his feet. Together, they ran back to the band.

"What's going on?" asked Luna.

"REALITY IS TEARING!!!" screamed Hermione. The rest of the band then followed, knowing all Hell would break loose. The band ran out of the Moulin Rouge, seeing the entire sky turn purple. They ran onto the bus, and as the bus flew off, the sky began to fall. Liz magnificently managed to dodge the falling sky, but sadly, all of France died.

"Crap, this is the third civilization we killed this week!" said Hermione.

"Should we just go home?" asked Ron.

"No!" said Hagrid. "We must become famous! I forgot why, but I formed this band for a reason! And we must become the most famous band on Earth, even if it means blowing it up in the process!"

"…The whole universe is going to die," said McGonagall as they flew into the lack-of sunset.


	6. Oh No, The Plot! Part 1

One mile high into the air, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz sat down on their bus as Hermione paniced and ran across the small yellow automobile.

"Bloody Hell, bloody Hell, bloody Hell! We just destroyed three civilizations!"

"On the bright side, one of them was Ireland," said Luna, optimistically.

"And I got laid," said Ron.

"**That never happened**!" screamed everyone.

"Okay, we need to get off of the radar for a while. We need to hide out in some lawless land!" said Hermione.

"But we already destroyed Ireland!" said Luna.

"No! We need lawless'r!" said Hagrid.

"Let's try Africa," said McGonagall.

"Racist whore," said Aragog.

"What?" asked McGonagall.

"What?" asked Aragog.

"Okay, we could either go to Cuba, North Korea, Neverland Ranch, or some made up country!"

"But I've already been to Neverland Ranch!" bitched Ron.

"That explains a lot," snarked Hermione.

"I say we go to CWCville, Virginia!" said Dumbledore.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed everyone else.

"Actually, Dumbledore, knowing our track record, we probably should drop by there soon. But first, I say we go to the Land of the Mary Sue," said Hermione.

"…Canada?" asked Ron.

"No! I'm talking about…FANFIC, CALIFORNIA!!!!" said Hermione as lightning stuck outside of the bus.

"…Wha'?" asked Hagrid.

"After Hogwarts became filled with Mary Sues, we stored them all in a coastal city in California called 'Fanfic' and made a school there," said McGonagall. "We tend to ignore it."

"Which is why we need to go there!" said Hermione. "To Fanfic, Liz!" she screamed to Liz. Liz then nosedived down into America.

The band then landed in Fanfic, California. The streets were made of pink and gold bricks and all of the trees were cherry blossoms. The buildings glowed with posters of Robert Pattinson and various anime bishonens. Golden-haired, kaleidoscope-eyed, seifuku-wearing girls filled the sidewalks, each holding miniature Death Notes filled with Yaoi romance stories. Luna was in heaven.

"Ahmigod! This place is better than anywhere I've ever been! Sora! Riku! We must live here!" Luna looked through the ranks of the band. She saw everyone but Sora and Riku. "…Sora? Riku? Crap!" Luna ran away from the band, looking for her runaway slaves.

"…Okay, so we should just lay low in here for a while. We can just sit back and watch the city grow, I suppose," said Hermione. "I'll be busy seeing if I can find some AU Star Fox boys!" Hermione then ran off, looking for falcons and foxes to have sex with.

McGonagall and Ron also walked away, looking for something to eat. Liz remained in the bus, and as Luna was running after her Yaoi boys and Hermione was running after furries, that left Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Aragog in search for beer.

After a few hours of searching, they finally found one next to a Hot Topic-Disney Store hybrid. They walked into the _Sparkling Pony_, where the bartender appeared to be a fourteen-year-old girl. Inside the bar were everyone's favorite fan fiction characters, including Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way of _My Immortal_, Oscar of _Artemis's Lover_, John Freeman of _Half-Life: Full Life Consequences_, Tortura of _Agony in Pink_, and Bella Swan of _Twilight_.

The three men then walked up to the bartender, who was dressed as if she were a Sailor Moon character, only with pink accents and a shit-load of frills.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Aragog, metaphorically licking his lips.

"Me? Oh, I'm Sailor Earth!" she said. "My real name is Marissa Tsukino and I'm Sailor Moon's long lost sister! My element is the power of animals and my special attack is the Earth Star Holy Bell Melody Illusion!"

"…Urg, 'ey, do ya serve beer 'ere?" asked Hagrid.

"Beer? Ew, gross! We only serve Tomato Juice here!" said Sailor Earth.

"…Oh coarse," said Aragog.

"Look, if you want beer, you need to have a special alcohol pass! And only one man can have it at a time!" she said.

"Okay…so, who has it?" asked Aragog.

"That man right over there," said Sailor Earth. She then pointed to a man in the corner of the bar dressed in a black leather coat _á__ la_ Organization XIII. The men rolled their eyes and walked over to the man in the corner.

"Coat-man! We need beer!" screamed Dumbledore.

"I don't think I should give it to you, you pedophile," said the man in the coat.

"Gah! I was acquitted!" Dumbledore screamed. Dumbledore then grabbed onto the man's hood and pulled. The man's face was then revealed to the bar, showing the face of **Pikachu**!

"Kyle!" screamed Mark, the primary author. "What did you do?!"

"What? Oh, I put the word filter on. I replaced his name with 'Pikachu'. Type in 'woman'," said Kyle, the secondary author.

**Baby-machine**

"You sick bastard," said Mark. "What else did you do?!"

"Try 'baby', 'Cincinnati', 'manly', and 'milk'," said Kyle

**Garbage, CWCville, Chuck Norris, and cyanide**

"Dammit, Kyle! I was just about to reveal his identity, and now you did this crap! Fix it!"

"Fine," said Kyle. Kyle then mashed random buttons. "There…wait, were you writing this down?"

"What? OH SHIT!!!" screamed Mark.

"Quick! Use backspace!"

"It's broken, oh my God!" panicked Mark. "Who did this?!"

"I did!" said Paul, a random friend, in a gay lisp. "Guilty as charged!"

"Do something!" said Mark to Kyle.

"Look, let's just make this into a joke! That way, it'll be funny!"

"Genius!" said Mark.

"Okay…wait, are you still typing this down?" asked Kyle.

"SHIT!"

"…Okay," said Hagrid.

"Gah! I was acquitted!" Dumbledore screamed. Dumbledore then grabbed onto the man's hood and pulled. The man's face was then revealed to the bar, showing the face of **VOLDEMORT, DUN DUN DUN**!

"Yes, it is I, Lord Voldemort!" he said, making sure to incorrectly pronounce the _T_ like a stupid American with no knowledge of the French language. "I have come to Fanfic, California to take over the world!"

"But we killed 'ou!" said Hagrid.

"No! You only castrated me and left me to die in that dimension filled with cows! Thankfully, Fanfic, California is a gateway between Alternate Universes! Now I shall build an army and destroy you clowns!"

"Long Island Iced Tea?" said Sailor Earth and she handed Voldemort his effeminate alcohol.

"Oh, yummers!" squealed Voldemort. Voldemort then took dainty sips from the drink. "So anyway, my lovelies, I'm going to destroy you all eventually and…"

"Look, we just want beer!" said Dumbledore.

"…Pardon?" asked Voldemort.

"We don' bloody ceiah if yoo wanna kill us, we wan' beer!" said Hagrid.

"What?! No! I put too much time into my new plan! You need to fight me!" shrieked Voldemort.

"No," said Aragog, flatly.

"Dammit!" screamed Voldemort. "This is the first fan fiction I've been featured in since the fingirls developed their libidos! Unless I try to fight Mary Sues, they just focus their stories on Harry and Hermione! Dammit, I want screen time!"

Voldemort started crying like a little girl, spilling his Long Island Iced Tea in the process. Dumbledore, Hagrid, and Aragog looked down at their formerly-terrifying archenemy with pity. Aragog rolled his many eyes and poked Hagrid.

"We should fight him. He seems to have suffered much pain."

"Fine, fine, fine."

Hagrid poked Voldemort. Voldemort looked up at him, eyeliner streaming down his face.

"Look, 'e'll fight you, but only if you giv us that theyah ticket," said Hagrid.

Voldemort squee'd and wiped his eyes.

"Really?! Well, that's just…"

"Hold it!" shouted Sailor Earth. "There is only one kind of fight we allow in this city!"

"Son of a bitch!" screamed Voldemort.

"You must have a singing duel, like from Mermaid Melody!" said Sailor Earth. "It must be a love song, with a lot of Japanese words! And…go!"

"…Thuh…guh…"stuttered Hagrid.

"I SAID GO!" shouted Sailor Earth.

"Okay! Okay!" said Voldemort.

"**Ai no War!**

**War no Ai!**

**With love, I can conquer all!**

**Oh, with my ultra bishie moves,**

**I can take over all!**

**Watashi wa okama desu,**

**Ai no War!**

**Watashi wa jaaku desu,**

**Ai no War!**

**Watashi wa baka desu,**

**Ai no War!**

**Ai no War! Ai no War!**

**Ai no…WAAAAAAARRRRRR DA!"**

Voldemort received lackluster applause. Hagrid looked around.

"Uh…whatta we do?"

"Watch this," said Dumbledore. Dumbledore, with all of his power, took in as much air as he could.

"**YAOI AND TOKYO MEW MEW ARE THE GREATEST THINGS EVAR!!!!!"**

The whole bar cheered as if Oprah Winfrey became Queen of Everything, bursting all of the windows and shattering the eardrums of many. Bella Swan even orgasmed. Sailor Earth skipped forward, took the alcohol pass from Voldemort, and handed it to Dumbledore.

"Awesome! Tonight we drink the fluids of gods!" sang Dumbledore, knowing the double entendre.

Voldemort glared at the three. He glared as if his life depended on it. Voldemort stood up and took Sailor Earth by the hand.

"My lady…how would you like to date Draco Malfoy?"

"I would sell my firstborn son to date that blond bishie!" said Sailor Earth, glasping Voldemort's hand with both of hers.

"Then all you need to do…is join my band."


	7. Oh No, The Plot! Part 2

After five hours of beer and hard liquor, Dumbledore and Hagrid were passed out on the tables of the _Sparkling Pony_. Aragog, only recently remembering that he cannot drink beer, spent the last hours eating Davey Crockett. After finishing the Marty Stu, Aragog grew bored. He sighed as he watched the two grown men writhe in alcoholic bliss.

"I…ugh…I…I gotta go…um…uh…I mean…ba'room," said Hagrid. Hagrid stumbled through the front door and ran across the street, breaking everything in sight.

Aragog sighed again, looking at Dumbledore.

"Can I trust you to stay here while I go and find the others?"

"Only if you leave me with that Oscar fellow," said Dumbledore, eyeing the Peruvian hermaphrodite.

"Go nuts," said Aragog.

"I plan to," said Dumbledore.

Aragog, using all eight of his furry spider legs, walked out of the bar and looked around, seeing Fanfic, California's setting sun. It glowed pink.

"…This town makes me want to vomit," he said. "Everything is pink, the residents are insaner than the ones in Europe, and EVERYONE TASTES LIKE DIET CRAP!"

Aragog marched down the street, eating five residents along the way, including your character. You know, that one, your _favorite_. Aragog found a special American Eagle, made exclusively of Mary Sues.

"…God damn, America," said Aragog, becoming more and more bitter at the world.

Aragog walked into the American Eagle, finding so much costume porn it was ridiculous. Everything was made of colored leather, including the bikinis. The ruby-encrusted polo shirts burned his spider retinas. And of course, everything had a tiny, pretentious eagle sewn onto it.

In the back of the store, Luna was helping her Yaoi slaves try on S&M gear. She was measuring Sora for a ball-gag when she noticed Aragog.

"Oh, look! It's the Spider Fairy! Spider Fairy, come closer! We're trying on clothes!"

"I don't wear clothes," said Aragog as he walked closer to the crazy lady.

"Ah ha! A confession!" said a random police officer. "You coming with me, pal!"

Aragog proceeded to break the police officer in half and eat his insides.

"…Tastes salty…must be Mormon," said Aragog.

"…That was fun," said Luna. "I hope more random people come and talk to us."

"Hold it!" screamed a random passerby.

"Oh, yay!" said both Aragog and Luna.

The passerby walked up closer to the group. She was a girl of thirteen or fourteen years, with dull blonde hair and freckles all over her body. She had thick glasses on, complete with a TEAM JACOB T-shirt over a skort. She eyed Luna, then Aragog, and then Sora and Riku.

"Who are those?" she asked.

"Those are my pets," said Luna. "They help me summon succubi and incubi by performing various sex acts on each other."

The girl seemed disgusted by her words. She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I don't know who you are, but I'm Peggy Shipper, and these two boys are coming with me!"

The Sue grabbed onto Sora. Being the uke, he didn't fight back. Before she could get far with him, however, Aragog grabbed her by her ponytail with his fangs.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" he asked, somehow.

"I'm shipping him!"

"_Kami-sama_!" screamed Sora. Riku then jumped foreword and grabbed Sora's arm away from Peggy.

It is at this point that the narrator would like to break away from the story to say that, yes, Sora and Riku are indeed a couple, and that the next few paragraphs or so is going to be filled with their origins because he knows how much Harry Potter fangirls also enjoy the occasional man-on-man. Oh joy.

Sora was born Sora Ukenami, and by some coincidence Luna's nickname for him is actually his real name. Chronologically he's eleven years old, but thanks to the band's **METAL** songs, he's biologically eighteen. Remember that chapter? I do. He's short for his age and has long black hair with pink streaks. Just imagine any uke from any anime ever and you've got him.

He lost his parents at a young age and had to live with his evil step-mother, his two step-sisters, and his evil step-poodle, Shnookums. They abused him so much that he ran away and joined NAMBLA. Then he met the band. He has yet to decide which of the three was less painful to be a part of. He's leaning towards the step-family.

Riku was born Riku Haruseme, and just like Sora, Luna's nickname is actually his real name. He's one month older than Sora and one head taller. Spiky black hair, blue streaks, lean body that's just muscular enough to make girls jumpstart puberty, you know the drill. His childhood was just like Sora's except replace _step-family_ with _lesbian biker gang_.

Are we done? Good.

So Peggy went into a slight nerd-rage and stomped her foot onto the floor. She screamed out into the heavens "WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LISTEN TO ME? I JUST WANT TO BE A MATCHMAKER! IS THAT SO WRONG?" She then jumped out of the store through the window and ran down the street, crying.

"…That was really fun. Too bad you didn't eat her," said Luna.

The fangirls cheered wildly.

Luna then continued to fit Riku and Sora for leather. Aragog tried to remember what he was supposed to do, but his memory was cloudy due to the Mary Sues he ate along the way. He looked back and remembered he talked to Dumbledore before leaving. Something about beer and bathrooms and hermaphrodites.

Aragog then remembered that he was supposed to get everyone out of the city before he went insane.

"Small one," he said. "We need to leave. I think I might explode from boredom and bloating."

"Awwwwwe!" sighed Luna. "But this place is so fun and magical! Much more magical than Hogwarts!"

And now we cut back to Hogwarts. Harry, Neville, Draco, and Cho were raiding the Muggle Studies classroom for anything they could find. Harry opened a closet filled to the brim with Nintendo Gamecubes. Neville walked into a closet filled with issues of Playboy magazine. He has yet to come out.

Cho then found a closet of NERF guns, plastic weaponry, and foam sport equipment. "Is there a spell that turns toy guns into real guns?" she asked.

"Secondo Amendmentia!" shouted Draco, aiming his wand at the toy weaponry. Their plastic quickly became **METAL** and their soft, foam darts became sweet, sweet lead. Harry grabbed two M1911 Pistols, a pump shotgun, and an aluminum cricket bat. Draco grabbed a silenced submachine gun, an AK-47, and a golf club. Cho grabbed a crossbow, a Magnum Pistol, and a katana, because _katanas are just better_.

"Neville! You coming?" called Harry.

"…In a minute," he whispered. "I'll catch up, go on without me."

Harry, Draco, and Cho looked at each other. They slowly backed out of the Muggle Studies classroom.

Meanwhile, at the A-plot, Luna had finished shopping for her pets, paying the clerk in seashells and buttons. Aragog, Luna, Riku, and Sora left the store and walked back into the _Sparkling Pony_, now renamed the _Cure Beauty_. They walked into the bar, only to see Dumbledore singing karaoke.

"**Fighting evil by moonlight!**

**Winning love by daylight!**

**Never running from a real fight!**

**She's the one named Dumbledore!"**

Aragog rolled his eyes and pulled Dumbledore off of the stage. "We need to leave. Did you see anyone else yet?"

"No," he said, "I think Hagrid's still in the ba'room, though."

"Dammit all! Luna, I…" he started. He stopped when one of his multiple eyes noticed Luna, Sora, and Riku dressed in Japanese school uniforms (with Luna and Sora in seifuku) on the karaoke stage. "Hello, I'm Luna Gaga and these are my gay boys! We're here to sing Anime Medley #24!" The Mary Sues in the audience cheered.

"**I'll become a happy butterfly, and ride on the glittering wind! **

**I'll come to see you soon! **

**It's best to forget the unnecessary things! **

**There's no more time to be fooling around!" sang the trio.**

"**Counting the twinklings of the constellations**

**is how I foretell love's whereabouts.**

**Born on the same earth,**

**Miracle romance!" sang Luna.**

"**I began to run, because my feelings, even now,**

**Are definitely beating against my heart! **

**The me of today will continue towards our destination!**

**We'll amass our own tomorrows! **

**The answer, yes, is always right here," sang Sora.**

"**The sky I gazed up at is so blue and serene,**

**I decided to open up a window that was shut!**

**Moments that seem like they can change both me**

**And even the world is always right next to me..." sang Riku.**

"**Whether you make the first or second move, you must move forward, OK!**

**It's good to ****rest a bit, I know that **

**The process of how I've made it up to here is your proof**

**Hold your left and right hands above your head and pierce through the darkness, GO!" finished the trio.**

The fangirls cheered wildly. Bella Swan orgasmed again. The trio bowed and walked off stage and each hugged one of Aragog's legs. "We did it!" they each screamed.

"Not so fast!" screamed a familiar falsetto. Voldemort ran up to the band, followed by a group of teenage girls. "You think you can just sing two notes and become the most powerful band in the world? I don't think so! So I set up my own band! I believe you remember Sailor Earth of the Copy Cat Sues and Peggy of the Fixer Sues!"

Sailor Earth and Peggy both gave everyone a peace sign. The other Sues came forward.

"I'm Lapis Lazuli of the Purity Sues," one said. "I have long orange hair that I think is boring, but everyone else says that it's beautiful. Everyone! Oh, too many people love me. It's a curse, really. I also have green eyes, but I can change their color. I'm skinny, but I don't even work out or diet! Crazy, right?"

"I'm Madison Misery of the Sympathetic Sues," another said, this one with a pair of cat ears and a cat tail. "My parents died when I was young so I was raised by my step-mother and her lesbian biker gang! I was once in a different band, but they kicked me out for being a cat-person! I'm the last of my kind, by the way!"

"I'm Nocturne Langley of the Jerk Sues," another said. This one sounded like a total bitch. "I'm loved by everyone who meets me. And if someone doesn't, then they're just stupid preppy bastards. I have long ebony black hair with purple-"

"Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Next!" said Dumbledore.

"And I'm Leon Goldborn of the God Mode Sues!" said the token Marty/Gary Stu. "I can play any instrument in a band, but I specialize in lead guitar! I'm an instant expert in anything I try, _including_ magic! I'm not even a wizard! I have golden hair with golden eyes and-"

"That's enough Leon!" shouted Voldemort. "And I am Voldemort of the Villain Sues! And together, we are…"

"Midnight Xtasy!" they all said.

Voldemort smirked as he posed with his band. "So, what do you have to say to that, homeboy?"

"…Yes, I have something to say. You forgot to add Ginny Weasley of the Canon Sues," said Aragog.

"And Blaise Zambini of the Possession Sues," added Luna. "Poor boy, doesn't even know his own gender."

"You're just jealous morons!" screamed Nocturne.

"So, what are you going to do now?" asked Dumbledore. "Enter a Battle of the Bands contest so you can beat us at our own game?"

"No, I'm actually going to trap you all in a dungeon and then throw you into the Eulogy Abyss when I become powerful enough to open it!" he said as he took out his wand, Vera.

"…Pardon?" asked Aragog.

"Petrificus Totalus!" the Sues all screamed. A bright light hit each of the Skoolgurlz, causing them to petrify and fall to the ground, motionless.


	8. Oh No, The Plot! Part 3

We seemed to have forgotten that Ron and McGonagall are also characters. Therefore, we shall make this chapter from their point of view…at some point. And for window dressing, Hermione shall appear as well. And even though the title is _Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz_, Hagrid shall not appear in this chapter in any way whatsoever. Also, the word _Hagrid_ will be replaced with the word _Rubber Socks_ until further notice because J.K. Rowling is pissed off at us for making a story with him as the main character (Even though the main characters are REALLY Luna and Hermione's boobs) and has patented the name Hagrid and all likeness of the large oaf.

**ONTO THE STORY!**

Dumbledore felt a strange wetness on his face. And not the kind of wetness he usually felt on his face in the morning. This one was weird and a lot less sticky. He opened his eyes and saw that he, Aragog, Luna, Sora, and Riku were all locked in a damp, dark dungeon, each of their arms and legs tied up in magical rope that could be, conveniently, only cut by lightning itself.

Dumbledore then saw, on the other side of the bars, Midnight Xtasy practicing their music. Voldemort, wearing a platinum blonde wig, grabbed a microphone and pressed his cat-like lips against it.

"**When I was young,**

**My mummy said**

'**Voldey, please, stop killing me!'**

**And I said 'NO!**

**Hell no!'**

**And I stabbed her in the face!" sang Voldemort.**

"**You don't mess with Voldey!" sang his fellow Sues.**

"**Sing it!" said Voldemort.**

"**You don't mess with Voldey!" sang his Sues.**

"**Bitch, please!" said Voldemort.**

**You don't mess with Voldey!" sang his Sues.**

"**And I-"**

"**Hey, Sailors! Leon Goldborn in the house!" rapped Leon. **"And this is when I stage dive."

"…**Mess with me and die!**

**I don't care who you are,**

**All I know is that I always…**

**Come…**

**Out…**

**On…**

**Top."**

The Sues then did what he thought was a sexy pose. Dumbledore, who had been completely silent, started to laugh hysterically.

"You think you're better than us?" asked Voldemort. "Well, impossible! You see, we are Mary Sues, so we, by definition, are always better than the canon characters!"

"But _you are _canon," said Dumbledore.

"…Shut up," said Voldemort, ignoring the paradox that insued. "You have no hope. All you have left is that bitch teacher, the boobie one, Rubber Socks, and that ginger. You, sir, are **DOOMED**!"

Ron and McGonagall, after eating at a restaurant that McGonagall described as "ghetto," decided that it was time to find the rest of the band and go home while they were ahead, as the city had yet to incinerate, blow up, or vanish from existence.

The two walked into the _Cure Beauty_, which had been renamed the _Double Rainbow_, and looked around. To their surprise, no one was in the bar. All of the Mary Sues were gone, including the bartender. So no bartender jokes. Sad face.

"Where is everybody?" asked Ron. "Isn't this the only bar in town?"

"Good observation, fifty points for Ravenclaw."

"But I'm in-"

"Shut up, Ron."

The bar door opened again, letting Hermione enter the scene. Hermione, having left the group hours earlier to yiff, was dressed in a half-torn she-wolf costume covered in mustard, cucumbers, and mayonnaise with patches of the suit on fire. Will this be explained? If you think _yes_, you clearly have _not_ been reading this story.

"Guys, I have horrible news!" she screamed.

"What happened?" asked Ron.

"Look at this paper!"

Hermione, stripping from her outfit into her skivvies, threw a newspaper onto a nearby table. The three looked down at it.

**NEWS HONEY FLASH!**

**LOCAL BAND NEW MCR!**

**The newst band to popp up in Fanfic is called Midnight Xtasy! ZOMG!1! After defeeting they're rivals, Hargrid and the Schoolgirls, the band pledged to play the locul mall at 9bm tonite. I herd their hot stiff! Pleez cum, because they won't play again until theyu git 5 good revoiws!**

**-Ebory Da'arkness Dementia Raven Way.**

"…That girl has horrible spelling," said McGonagall, missing the point completely.

"Yeah, she misspelled our band name!" said Ron.

"That's beside the point! Look at the picture!" said Hermione.

On the picture, the band of Mary Sues all posed in what they thought were cool, sexy positions. Behind them, the comatose bodies of Luna, Aragog, Sora, Riku, and Dumbledore lay motionless on the floor.

"See? They captured them!" shouted Hermione.

"Yeah, but where's Rubber Socks?" asked Ron.

"I don't know, but they're probably doing weird things with Rubber Socks! Dirty things!" said Hermione. "Look, we have to save them…somehow!"

"And how will we do that?" asked Ron.

"Ron, we've killed Voldemort several times! We can do it again! Who's with me?" she said. Hermione raised her hand into the air. "WE CAN DO IT!"

No. No they can't.

One failed attempt later, the three joined their comrades in a bleak, dark dungeon that was somehow under the mall. Each of them stared at the wall, because it was way more interesting than talking to each other.

Voldemort, dressed up in a black version of Dumbledore's jumpsuit, walked up to their cage and taunted them with several pelvic thrusts. "Looks like you lamers failed! You honestly thought you could defeat me with just a head of lettuce, mayonnaise, and a bear suit?"

"Yeah, aren't we all wizards? Should we be a little more creative?" asked Luna.

"Well it's not like we actually ever _use_ magic in fan fictions!" said Hermione.

"Peace out, shockers! My band needs to get ready for our _cooooooonceeeeeert_!"

Voldemort left the band in the dungeon. Each of them sighed, each more melodramatic than the last. Hermione looked at each of her cell mates and then blew her hair out of her face.

"Character development?" asked Hermione.

"…What?" asked Dumbledore.

"Look," Hermione said. "I know that this is just a stupid fan fiction, but I think that this would be perfect time to get to know each other. You know, like in an actual book?"

"Yeah, this will be a great time for character development!" said Luna. "Who wants to learn the true meaning of Christmas?"

"I do! I do!" said Ron, excitedly.

Everyone waddled into a circle and gazed into each others' eyes. It was only a matter of time before the AA meeting began.

"…Uh…" started Sora. He blushed and hid his face. "There's something I need to tell you all…"

"You speak English?" asked McGonagall.

"We're American!" said Riku.

"No, you're Japanese! Americans are white!" said McGonagall.

"Bitch, please!" said Riku. "Next you're gonna tell me that all Irishmen are drunken gingers!"

"THERE ARE NO IRISHMEN! _WE KILLED THEM ALL_!" screamed Hermione.

"Everyone, please!" squealed Sora. "I…I need to tell you all something important!"

"You're _gay_, we _know_!" said Dumbledore.

Aragog then stood up, shaking off his shackles and walking to the cage door.

"Those idiots think they can handcuff a spider king? I shall eat them all with my fists!" he screamed.

"You don't have fists," said Ron.

Aragog had to make an example of Ron. Use your imagination, because if I said what he did, I would be banned from every nook and cranny on the internet. Yes, even /b/.

"Listen, I'm the only one free from the handcuffs, so I need to save everyone!" said Aragog. "I shall now become the main character like I was SUPPOSED to be and defeat Voldemort by myself."

"THE COPYRIGHT HAS BEEN REVOKED!" screamed a farmiliar voice. Remember when we said Hagrid wouldn't appear? We lied.

Hagrid, riding on Norberta the dragon, burst through the ceiling playing two guitars at the same time with his beard.

"_GOD DAMMIT_!" screamed Aragog.

Hagrid played a riff on his guitars, making lightning shoot out of his guitar. The lightning destroyed the cage and all of the restraints on the band members.

"Listen up, Skoolgurlz! We need to take back this town! We're goin' up theiuh and we're gonna ROCK THIS TOWN TO THUH BONE!"

"YEAH!" screamed the Skoolgurlz. Aragog rolled his many eyes.

The band took their instruments and prepared for battle. They escaped the dungeon epically, fighting many Mindflayers, Tonberries, and Warmechs along the way.

They ran up to the mall, pushing their way past the Thirty-Sue Pileup (_There, TVTropes, I used another one of your tropes. CAN I HAVE A GODDAMN ARTICLE NOW?_) and bum rushed the stage, pushing Midnight Xtasy off of the stage.

"AGNI KAI!" screamed Luna.

"…What?" asked Voldemort.

"She means 'Go to Hell, we're about to kick your asses'," said Dumbledore. "_YEYEAH_!"

The Mary Sues of the audience patiently waited for the band to think of what song to play. Midnight Xtasy were being very naughty and started throwing tomatoes, toast, and other Mary Sues onto the stage. Hagrid then ran up to the mike.

"**3, 2, 1, GO!"**

Everyone in the band started playing their instruments, each magically hitting every note.

"**Maaaaaaaaaah beard!**

**Mah beard!**

**Nananananananananana!**

**Legend of legends,**

**Beard of beards,**

**No othuh beard**

'**As been so revered.**

**Trained bah Vikings,**

**Raised bah bears,**

**Mah beard can kill anyone**

**Thah wishes to stare!**

**Mah beard freed the Jews**

**From pharaoh the great!**

**Mah beard slayed Bruce Lee,**

**And the entiuh Spetsnaz!**

**Recognized as a country as its own,**

**Conquered the world, because it could!**

**And now it's coming….foooooooooooooor YOU!"**

Cue a three minute long guitar solo.

"**The only one mah beard shows remorse for,**

**Is…the…**

**RANDOM IRISH GUUUUUUUUUUUY!"**

The floor literally exploded from the **METAL**. Each of the Mary Sues fell into the dungeon with the sole exception of Midnight Xtasy, who were launched up into the air, through the roof, and across the sky.

"THIS ISN'T OVER!" screamed Voldemort. "_LOOKS LIKE MIDNIGHT XTASY IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN_!"

Hagrid, Aragog, Luna, her gay boys, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, and McGonagall each looked at their work. Midnight Xtasy was gone, the Sues of the town were trapped in a dungeon, and the mall was almost completely destroyed.

"…Hey, we didn't destroy the entire town this time!" said Luna.

"Yeah…" said Hermione.

Everyone stared blankly at the Sues in the dungeon.

"Let's destroy it anyway!" screamed Dumbledore.

"YEAH!" screamed the entire band.

Dumbledore took out a megaphone from his anus and pointed it at the Sues. "Hey, Mary Sues! Who wants to be **canon**?"

"I DO, I DO, I DO!" screamed every single Sue in the dungeon.

"Well there can only be one!" he screamed.

The band then booked it. Every Sue in town used their amazing, super speshul powers to try to destroy the others and become the legendary _Highlander Sue_. Running in slow-mo, the band jumped out of the mall just as an explosion started chasing them down a hallway.

Drowned out by screams of "**DRACO WILL BE MINE**" and "**I WANNA BE THE TEN-TAILED DRAGON DEMON**," the band rushed away from the impending implosion of the town and jumped into their bus. Each of them put on their seatbelts like good little boys and girls and then Liz blasted away from Fanfic, California, leaving it to die.

And thus, 75% of all Mary Sues in the universe are dead. Rejoice and be glad.


	9. Put on a Magic School Bus

Luna looked outside the bus, into the night sky. The stars gazed back at her, almost smiling and waving as they flew by. _Thousands of tiny specks scattered across the universe_, thought Luna._ I wonder how many other people are looking at these stars with me? Maybe somewhere out there, my true love is looking at them, too?_

Turns out, he wasn't.

Several feet away from the purple prose, McGonagall was bitching at Hagrid, who was drinking heavily. So heavily, you could call him "shitfaced" if you wanted.

"I LERV THIS SONG!" screamed Hagrid, every single word slurred beyond belief.

"We're not even playing any music!" said McGonagall.

"Leh's change thah!" said Hagrid.

"**Mah hair is so pretty!**

**It's…it's prettiful!**

**An' stuff."**

"OH MY GOD, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!"

"Hey we put up with your racism all day and night," said Hermione

"My racism is justified, _I'M ENGLISH_!" screamed McGonagall.

"Well, maybe you should just leave the effing band!" screamed Aragog.

"And go back to those brain-dead children? I don't think so!" said McGonagall.

For the sake of wordplay, this is when we will cut back to the zombies.

Harry, Draco, and Cho ran down the moving staircases, shooting every zombie they saw in the head. Cho even took out her katana and sliced zombie-Professor Sprout's head off.

"_FIVE POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW_!" Sprout screamed as her head fell off the edge and into oblivion, finally falling directly onto zombie-Mrs. Norris five stories below.

"This is stupid," said Draco as he bludgeoned zombie-Hannah Abbot in her exposed skull. "We've been fighting zombies for _five days_ nonstop! When are we actually going to do something?"

"What?" asked Harry, pretending not to hear him. "I can't hear you! I'm being too awesome!" Harry then used his pump shotgun to blow zombie-Lavender Brown's head off. "Ask me again when I'm _bored_."

Harry turned around, expecting to see another zombie to attack. Instead, zombie-Nearly-Headless Nick appeared behind him. Harry backed away.

"ZOMBIE GHOST!" screamed Harry.

Harry screamed like a little girl and huddled in the corner. Draco used his golf club to try to finally behead the ghost. The golf club flew right through him.

"…SHIT!" Draco then huddled into the corner with Harry.

Zombie-Nick slowly flew toward Cho. Cho started to run away from the zombie-ghost, but then tripped on her own feet.

Nick lunged at Cho. However, being a ghost, he flew right through her and gnawed at the air around her head. Cho sighed.

"How're we going to kill this thing?" asked Cho.

"Cho, how are we supposed to kill something that's already dead?" asked Harry.

The three students then stopped for a second to contemplate Harry's deep thoughts. They then continued on, walking down the stairs as Nearly-Headless Nick continued to try to gnaw Cho's head off.

"…Well, I'm bored," said Harry, finally.

"So what now?" asked Draco.

"Snape has a safe fireplace in his office. If we get there soon we might be able to connect to the Floo Network," said Harry.

"Holy crap, we're actually adding canon material into this story?" asked Draco.

"There is a zombie apocalypse, Malfoy! We need all the materials we've got!" screamed Harry. "Canon, fanon, fan fiction, ANYTHING! Now, do you still have Ebony's number?"

"Please, I threw that out with the guyliner and the MCR shirts!" said Draco.

"Well we need something!" said Harry.

"Uh…guys…?" started Cho. Cho pointed at three mops sitting on the stairs next to a bucket of water. "Can we use those?"

"…Oh no!" yelled Draco. "Mops are the segways of the wizarding world! I am _not_ going to be seen on one of those!"

"BRAINS!" shouted the entire Zombie-Hufflepuff Quidditch team.

"Okay, fine!" shouted Draco. He, Cho, and Harry then jumped off of the staircase, straddling their mops, hoping to find Snape's office before it was too late.

Back with the main characters of _this_ story, McGonagall sat in the back of the bus, moaning over the band's incompetence. Her groans could be heard throughout the entire bus.

"I'm gonna kick 'er out," grumbled Hagrid.

"Hagrid, no," said Dumbledore.

"She's being a total bitch!" Hagrid retorted, completely justifying his urge to kick her out. She is a total bitch, after all. Well, at least in fan fictions. She's actually a sweet old woman with a tough outer shell, but we thought it'd be much funnier if we made her a bitch.

"Hagrid, I mean we can't now. We're a mile high into the air. Wait until we get to another city, then we can ditch her with Ron," Dumbledore said, chewing on his toenails as he said it.

"I HEARD THAT!" screamed McGonagall. "Oh, I cannot believe you people! I have some **GENUINE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM** for this **STUPID BAND** and you all-"

The phone on the bus started to ring, which was odd because there wasn't a phone on the bus before. Everyone in the band looked at the pink, _Bedazzled_ phone ring in a tune that was sung a few chapters prior to this one. McGonagall picked it up.

"…Hello?" she asked.

"Minerva McGonagall! You have been chosen!" said the voice coming from the phone.

"Chosen for what?" she snapped. "Did I win a stupid trip or something?"

"Close, deary! You see, I am the ghost of Miss Frizzle! Oooooh!" said the eccentric voice on the other end of the line. "I am in need of a permanent substitute, so to speak."

"…Pardon?"

"You are to become the next Miss Frizzle! You will teach a class of underprivileged inner-city students with your magic bus and fantastic adventures!" said Miss Frizzle. "Doesn't that sound exciting?"

"No."

"You have no choice."

The entire bus jettisoned forward. For a good three minutes, the bus was going east at the speed of light. Ron almost crapped his pants. Dumbledore did, but as he was wearing _Depend_s, he was perfectly fine.

The bus suddenly stopped. Everyone vomited. And since they were all wizards, they vomited pick sparkles…what? It makes more sense than sparkling vampires! Hermione, delirious, got up from her seat and looked out the window.

"…Oh, no…I've heard of this place…"

"Where are we?" asked Ron.

"…_Jersey_."

McGonagall, panicking, opened the bus doors. She tried to run out, but a dozen middle-school aged African-American girls dressed in baggy clothing blocked her way.

"You Miss Frizzle?" asked one girl, blowing a large, purple bubble.

"Apparently, yes," she said, flatly.

"We're your new students. I'm Ovary," she said. Then she began pointing to each of her fellow classmates. "That's Pelvis, that's Labia, that's Vagina, that's Clitoris, that's Hymen, that's Cervix, that's Uterus, that's Vulva, that's Urethra, that's Camel Toe, and that's Gail."

"Oh, Gail is a lovely name-" started McGonagall.

"But we all call her G-Spot."

"Oh, fanny," mumbled McGonagall.

And with that, the girls ran onto the bus. They pushed Hagrid, Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Aragog, Sora, and Riku off of the bus and shut the door behind them. As Liz stepped on the gas, McGonagall pressed her face against the window, silently screaming for help.

"…Is this karma or a really racist joke?" asked Hermione.

"Both," said Aragog.

Once the Magic School Bus was out of sight, the band lamented their loss. They sat on the side of the street, now without a backup guitarist, a tour bus, or a funny animal that could drive. They were stranded in the slums of New Jersey, with fumes or alcohol and skin burning in tanning beds flying by.

"So…what now?" asked…someone. Honestly, this line could go to anyone.

"Excuse me?" asked a warm yet cunning voice. "You wouldn't happen to be Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz, would you?"

A tall Native-American woman dressed in a tanned leather trench coat, feather-adorned fedora hat, and dream catcher-patterned sunglasses walked up to them. Her face was obscured by the outfit, but the band could tell that she was made up of all types of sex appeal.

"We still call ourselves that?" asked Dumbledore. "I thought we changed our name ages ago!"

"Aye! We're Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz! You wanna be a groupie?" screamed Hagrid.

"Oh, Hagrid! But we already have groupies," said Luna, pointing at Sora and Riku.

"Groupies aren't real groupies if they're screwing each other!" said Hermione.

"Actually, I would like to talk to you. I see that you are short a means of transportation? I could be of assistance."

**Who is this mystery woman? Why does she want to help the band? Will Hagrid score with her? Can Harry, Cho, and Draco make it to Snape's office before the zombies do? Why are all of the girls in the city named after female body parts?**

**Find out next time on **_**Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz**_**!**


	10. To The Bat-Bowling Alley!

The mystery woman, saying that she did not trust any of the restaurants in town, took Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz bowling. As Ron continued to get gutter balls while bumper bowling, the mystery woman, Hagrid, and Hermione sat down to chat.

"So," said Hermione, "You want to represent us, manage us, and sell the merch. Isn't that _my_ job?"

"Yes, but you don't have business cards," said the woman. She then gave business cards to Hagrid and Hermione. They were metallic, with gold print and velvet edges. The card said _Mystery Woman Talent Agencies, Ghettoville, New Jersey_.

"These are very nice cards," said Hagrid. "We accept you as our new manager."

"WHAT?" screamed Hermione. "I've been your manager since day one!"

"And we blew up France, Ireland, New Orleans, and Fanfic, disbanded NAMBLA, and left Professor McGonagall with a bunch 'a delinquents," said Hagrid.

"Is that a bad thing?" asked Hermione.

"Yes," said Luna, from out of nowhere.

"I'd be glad to let you co-manage," said the woman.

"No!" screamed Hermione. "You wanna new manager, fine! I'mma start my own band! And we'll have Black Jack! And strippers! In fact, forget the band!"

Hermione left the bowling alley in a huff, taking her money and large breasts with her. She then reentered the bowling alley, grabbed Ron, threw him down three bowling lanes, and knocked down three sets of pins.

"TURKEY!" screamed Aragog. The manager of the bowling alley brought out a tiny, turkey-shaped plaque for Hermione, but then Aragog ate him, plaque and all.

Hermione then left the alley for good.

"Uh…" said Hagrid. "What now?"

"Now, we play."

Less than five minutes later, then entire band were dressed as Catholic schoolgirls. They were on in an amphitheater in Gotham City, Connecticut, with thousands of supervillains in the stands.

"That was fast," said Dumbledore.

"I feel kinda weird," said Ron, commenting on his hemline.

"You get used to it," said Sora.

"YOU CAN TALK?" screamed Dumbledore.

"How many times have we been over this?" asked Sora.

"'ELLO, GOTHAM!" screamed Hagrid.

"Hello, Mistah H!" said Harley Quinn from the front row.

"We're Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz and we wanna sing to ya!" said Dumbledore. "This song's called _My Old Manager's a Bitch_!"

**"Hermione Granger, you're a bitch!**

**And you smell just like a seal!**

**You're as ugly as a mantis,"** sang Dumbledore, not ripping off of Seuss.

**"But you'd make a tasty meal,"** sang Aragog. **"Hermione Graaaaaaaanger!"**

**"You're a little bitch with who had…sex with an eel!"** sang the two.

**"You're a big skank, Hermione Granger,"**

**"You'd have sex with a mole!"** sang Riku

**"Your vagina's full of spiders"**

**"And your breath smells like coal, Hermione Granger!"** sang Sora.

**"A 39 and a half foot phallus wouldn't…fill your big hole!"** sang the two.

Just then, Batman, Nightwing, Robin, Red Robin, Batgirl, Oracle, Ace the Bat-hound, Batwoman, and Alfred jumped onto the stage and destroyed everyone's instruments with their Bat-Instrument Destroyer Spray.

"…The Hell?" screamed the Mystery Woman.

"I'm putting a stop to this," said Batman. "You supervillains have gotten off scot-free for too long!"

"…Supervillains?" asked Ron. "We're not supervillains!"

"My ass!" said Batwoman. "You destroyed two counties, two cities, and disbanded NAMBLA!"

"Is 'at a bad thing?" asked Hagrid.

"Yes!" screamed Batman.

"But we're just a band!" said Luna. "We can't do anything wrong!"

"Don't you talk!" said Batgirl. "You're the worst one of them all!"

"Me?" said Luna. "Not the giant spider-fairy?"

"Oh, y'alls just ig'nant!" said Aragog as he ate the not-burned half of Two-Face.

"We're taking you in," said Red Robin. "The Justice League wants a word with all of you!"

"Does that mean I get to meet Aquaman?" said Ron.

"No!" said Robin. "You killed him! He was in New Orleans!"

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOO**!" screamed Ron.

"Wait," said Hagrid. "Who's thuh ol' guy?"

"Oh, that's Alfred, my butler," said Batman.

"Bruce, why the hell did you bring him?" said Batwoman. "He's an old man!"

"Shut up! I'm locked away in that mansion all day! I need to live a little! From now on, I am Batgrandpa!" said Alfred.

"That's a terrible name!" said Red Robin.

"Oh, shut up, Tim!" said Batgirl. "You're named after a crappy restaurant!"

"Yeah? Well you had a baby!" said Batwoman.

"At least I can have a baby, you lesbian!" said Batgirl.

"Shut up, Stephanie!" said Oracle. "I knew I should have made _Squirrel Girl_ the new Batgirl!"

"Oh, heeerrreeee we go again!" said Nightwing. "You think that just because she beat Galactus _one time _means that she's better than Batman!"

"I could beat her!" said Batman. "With prep time!"

It was at that point that the entire Bat-Family noticed that Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz, along with 99% of the audience, had escape through various escape tunnels. Catwoman, the only person left in the stands, began to slow clap.

"GOD DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!" screamed Batman.


	11. The One Where Rose Potter Dies

**Chapter 11**

After escaping Gotham City's amphitheater by flying away on Norberta(who was there the whole time, we swear, she just hides in Dumbledore's anus), Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz made their way back to Mystery Woman Talent Agencies. The Mystery Woman was acting, surprisingly, very mysterious.

"You're plans back at Gotham City backfired spectacularly," dumbled Dumbledore. "I almost cried wisely because of it!"

"We 'ave to get 'Ermione back!" hagrided Hagrid. "She couldda taken Batman!"

"Not if he had prep time!" said Ron, waiting for someone to shut him up. "…Hermione's not here," he sulked.

"What the Hell are you talking about?" asked the mystery woman. "You did perfectly."

"We were attacked by about 2/7th of the Batfamily," said Luna. "How I wish we could have met Bat-Mite."

"Wait," said Aragog. "If the Batfamily attacked us, do you know what this means?"

"…No," said Hagrid. "…wait…yes…"

"WE'RE SUPERVILLAINS!" shouted the entire band. All of the glass in Mystery Woman Talent Agencies shattered.

"We need names!" said Ron.

"I call Manic Mermaid!" said Luna.

"I'll be Spider-Man!" said Aragog. "Wait…**GODDAMMIT**!"

"Silence, all!" said the Mystery Woman. "I need you all to go to your next concert. I have you scheduled for a concert in Hipsterville, Washington. You should be leaving soon. Don't bother changing out of your schoolgirl outfits, that's your uniform from now on."

"Fine, but can I lose the wig? I look silly with pigtails," said Aragog.

"No!" said the Mystery Woman. "It stays!"

The entire band left the talent agency building, ecstatic. They were not entirely sure why they were going to Hipsterville (a fate worse than death, since death is too mainstream for them), but they knew that they were going to hit it big in Hipsterville.

"CHANGE?" asked a beggar woman, who ran up to them from the slums. "YOU GOT ANY CHANGE?"

It took a while for the band to realize that the beggar woman as actually Hermione Granger. Her face was obscured by her raggedy hair, but her breasts were in full view.

"Hermione?" asked Dumbledore. "I thought were dead!"

"Ugh…I wish…" said Hermione.

"Why are you on the street?" asked Ron. "I thought you had ten thousand dollars with you on hand!"

"I did…but I invested it in muggle sports teams…"

"Oh, which ones?" asked Luna.

"The muggle Quidditch teams…" mumbled Hermione. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"OH DEAR GOD!" screamed the entire band.

"How are you not a slave in Cambodia by now?" asked Riku.

"Yeah!" said Dobby.

"…What," said Hermione. "How long has Dobby been here?"

"Dobby? Oh, 'e's been 'ere the whole time!" said Hagrid.

_"I'm looking for children to be in mah 'eavy metal band!" screamed Hagrid, excitedly._

_"Do you mean heavy metal?" asked Ron._

_"Shut up Ron," said Hagrid over the megaphone. "I need young schoolgirls to be a part of mah band, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz!"_

"_I'll join you, sir!" said Dobby, meekly. "I can play my nose as a flute."_

_Dumbledore, Hagrid, Ron, Hermione, Hermione's breasts, Luna, Riku, Sora, McGonagall, and Aragog walked down the streets of this random Irish town to find a well-lit pub. The group then sat down and made their own stalls. Dobby was there, too._

_"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" shouted Hagrid. Hagrid punched the priest so hard that he flew across the room and hit Sora. In a Yaoi fury, Riku then body slammed the priest, all while the priest was on top of Sora. Luna then took many pictures._

_"Imma put these on my MySpace!" she squee'd._

"_But no one uses MySpace anymore…" said Dobby._

"_I LERV THIS SONG!" screamed Hagrid, every single word slurred beyond belief._

"_We're not even playing any music!" said McGonagall._

"_Leh's change thah!" said Hagrid._

"_**Mah hair is so pretty!**_

_**It's…it's prettiful!**_

_**An' stuff. TAKE IT AWAY, DOBBY!"**_

"_**Runnin' like a unicorn,**_

_**Rockin' like an elf,**_

_**I can't help but be myself!" **__rapped Dobby, putting on his bling and basketball jersey. __**"And all the honeys sing…!"**_

"_**Ah, ah, yeah," **__sand the female elvies that appeared out of nowhere._

"…Oh," said Hermione. "I honestly never noticed him around here. Oh well, I'm coming back in."

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But you never said he was there! Liar!" That may be true, but I never said he _wasn't_ there, did I?

And so, Hermione rejoined the band and Dobby joined retroactively. The band, after fitting Hermione into a Catholic schoolgirl outfit that was two sizes too small, went to their personal jet and flew off to Hipsterville, Washington.

As the Mystery Woman was setting up their gig at a cave-themed bar (geddit? Cuz itz underground. Fangz!), Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz (and Dobby) walked around the city streets. They noticed everyone was dressed in flannel shirts, skinny jeans, scarves, and thick rimmed glasses. Also, all the men had beards, even some of the women had beards because natural femininity was too mainstream for them.

Ironically, in their pursuit of nonconformity, they are all conforming. And yes, I just used "ironically" correctly when talking about hipsters.

"This is freaky," said Ron. "Why do they all have beards?"

"Because ol' 'Agrid is a trendsetter!" said Hagrid. Five hipster women walked up to Hagrid and swooned.

"You look so totally awesome!" said one she-hipster. Her glasses would be fogging over if she actually had lenses. "Can I touch your beard?"

"Careful," said Hagrid. "'E'll bite."

The she-hipster pet Hagrid's beard. It started to purr. The four other women then conformed and pet it as well.

"Now, 'o wants to make me a sammich?" said Hagrid. The five women then ran away, looking for a kitchen so they can make a sandwich.

"WHAT?" screamed Hermione, looking around. "SEXIST! SEXIST!" No one listened to her, so she sulked. "I bet if I was in Ravenclaw people would listen to me!"

Speaking of Ravenclaw, Cho Chang had just decapitated a zombie Professor Flitwick by accidentally crashing into him on her broom. She, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy, as you should remember, are currently fly through the castle to find Professor Snape's office, where they will use the only working fireplace left in the castle to teleport away from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and _BRAINS_!

"But where will we go?" asked Cho.

"We'll go to Pigfarts!" screamed Draco. "We'll be safe, it's on Mars!"

"Shut up about Goddamn Pigfarts!" screamed Harry. "We're already using movie continuity, book continuity, Puppet Pals continuity, My Immortal continuity, we don't need the bloody musical continuity!"

"What about _The Girl Who Lived_, can we use that continuity?" asked Draco, sarcastically.

"Sure," said Harry. Harry then proceeded to take out his shotgun and shoot zombie-Rose Potter in the skull, causing her pretentious brains to fly across the hallway. "_Original Character, Do Not Kill_," he said. James Bond would be proud.

Harry, Cho, and Draco continued flying through the hallways, kicking zombies in the heads as they passed them. When they finally reached the dungeon, they flew down the spiral staircase and knocked on the door to Snape's office.

"Don't come in," said Snape. "I'm currently very deep in something very important."

"Snape, we need your fireplace," said Harry.

"No," said Snape. "I have an acquaintance in here and I'm very busy."

"Snape, there are zombies," said Draco.

"…Pardon?"

"_Zombies_!" screamed the three students.

"One moment," said Snape. There was loud rustling in the office, followed by several profanities, glass breaking, and a Wilhelm scream. "Come in."

Harry, Draco, and Cho walked into Snape's office. He was sitting on a bed big enough to fit around five people, dressed in a silk nightgown and sipping a glass of wine as he was reading a copy of _Friendship, or How We Settled Our Differences And Decided to Take Down North Korea With the Power of Music_ by Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, forward by Ke$ha.

"…Um…hi," said Cho. "Can we use your fireplace?"

"I don't see why not, just get the Hell out of here, I'm busy," said Snape. "The powder is in the pot on the bookshelf, so grab a handful and leave this place. Thirty points from Hufflepuff or something."

"…Okay…" mumbled Draco.

The three students looked on his bookshelf for Floo powder. Then, Harry remembered something.

"…Didn't you say you had an acquaintance?" asked Harry.

"…No."

"Yes, you did!" said Harry. "About twelve lines up!"

"Um…"

The bookshelf crashed down. Harry, Draco, and Cho jumped out of the way just as a raggedy woman jumped out from behind the bookshelf and waved her arms around in fury.

"MOM?" screamed Harry.

**BUM BUM BUMMMMMM!**


	12. Escape from Hipsterville!

Hagrid, Hermione, Luna, Ron, Dumbledore, Riku, Sora, Aragog, and Dobby walked around Hipsterville, Washington. They entered a Suncents (it's like Starbucks, but less mainstream) coffee shop and each ordered a hot chocolate. Hagrid ordered five, along with six donuts and a cinnamon bun. Geddit? Cuz he's fat. They sat down at a table and discussed their predicament.

"So," started Hermione. "We are all here in America, with no knowledge of who exactly our manager is other than she's Indian or something and no real transportation other than Norberta who is…somewhere. Meanwhile, Hogwarts has apparently been all over the wizarding news."

Hermione threw a newspaper on the table. Everyone looked at the front page.

**ZOMBIE PREPS INVADE HOGWARTS!**

**Oky, guyz, so some Griffindoor prep calld Navel strtd smeo zombi invazin and now ereyone's ded but Vampire Potter, my beloved Draco, Margaret Cho, Snap, nd Dracola! It's so fucking kawaii. N-e-way, I won rit anoher artikel umtil I get 6 god reviews! If you dont I WILL SLIT MUH WRISTS!**

The article would be a lot more hilarious if it weren't for the fact that the picture was of Zombie Ginny gnawing on Fred.

"Fred!" screamed Ron.

"Oh, he would have died, anyway," said Aragog.

"But you were supposed to die but you're still alive!" said Ron.

"Please, the fangirls love me too much for that," said Aragog, posing for a few hipster chicks in passing. They vomited. "Wait, I thought hipsters loved giant spiders!"

"No, that's furries," said Luna.

"Well, I think I know where we need to go next!" said Dumbledore, grabbing a hipster's laptop and logging on to Anthrocon's website.

"So, here's my plan," said Hermione. "We ditch the Mystery Woman and save the five survivors. Harry's much too important to die. It's his series, for gods' sake!"

"What part of _**Hagrid**__ and the Skoolgurlz_ don't you understand?" asked Aragog. "We've been doing just fine without Harry."

"No!" said Hagrid. "'Ermione's right! 'Arry needs us now! We need ta leave an' save 'im!"

"Um…" mumbled Dobby. "But don't we have a gig?"

"…Cancel it," said Hermione as a dramatic wind burst through the coffee shop. "I don't care about the music anymore, Harry needs us! He's our friend!"

"…Dooooh, group 'ug!" said Hagrid. Hagrid got up from his seat and grabbed Hermione, crushing her lungs as he hugged her.

"Yay!" said Ron, joining.

"Oh, what the Hell?" asked Aragog as he joined.

"Orgy!" screamed Dumbledore.

"Crowning Moment of Heartwarming Tear Jerker Fridge Brilliance!" said Luna.

The two crazy(est) ones, along with the other members who barely have any lines, joined in on the hug. Once the group hug disbanded and Hagrid gave a ten minute session of CPR to the unconscious Hermione, Hermione took the band outside of the coffee shop. She had a plan. An actual plan, too, not one of those things where she says something like "formation alpha gamma lambda" and runs around screaming wildly.

"Okay, everyone…FORMATION ALPHA GAMMA LAMBDA!" screamed Hermione.

Oh, you _bitch_.

While the entire band was screaming for no apparent reason, Hagrid pulled Norberta out of Dumbledore's anus. This was met with confusion and slight arousal from the citizens of Hipsterville. The band members jumped onto her back. Norberta got a running start, crushing many hybrid cars on the street in the process, and flapped her wings. Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz flew into the air, ready to leave Hipsterville behind them.

"…Tha' was easy," said Hagrid.

"Well then!" said Dumbledore, "Who says we start singing?"

"**Higher! Higher! Higher!**

**Save me, my special knight!**

**Oh!**

**Oh!**

**True Love!**

**I just want to fly high like a-" sang Sora.**

"_LOOKS LIKE MIDNIGHT XTASY IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!_"

"What the fu-" started Riku.

Voldemort and his merry band of Mary Sues came flying at Norberta. Midnight Xtasy crashed into Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz. This caused Norberta to scream in pain and fly back into Dumbledore's anus, which, in turn, made Hagrid, Hermione, Luna, Ron, Riku, Sora, Aragog, Dobby, Voldemort, Sailor Earth, Peggy Shipper, Lapis Lazuli, Nocturne Langley, Madison Misery, and Leon Goldborn fall from the sky and land onto the roof of the Suncents.

"…AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHH!" screamed Hagrid. "AAAAAHHHH!"

"Hagrid!" said Hermione, brushing off the dust from her schoolgirl outfit.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Hagrid as he got up and started shaking Voldemort wildly. "AAAAHHHHH!"

"Hagrid, we're not falling anymore!" said Ron.

"AAAAAAHHHHSHUTUPRONAAAAAHHHH HH!" screamed Hagrid, now using Voldemort as a jump rope. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh, bloody hell," said Hermione. "_Euphoria Gizzicus_!"

Hagrid then stopped screaming. A strange, dirty smile appeared onto his face.

"Gross," said Dumbledore.

"Okay, what the Hell is going on?" asked Aragog.

"The Justice League!" screamed Peggy.

"They're after us!" said Lapis.

"I could take them," said Leon.

"Well, you didn't, you bitch!" said Nocturne. "Now look, we just blasted off all the way from California to Washington!"

"How far are they from us?" asked Hermione, suddenly worried.

"Not far," said Sailor Earth. "They're, at farthest, in Oregon."

"Oh dear, we are majorly screwed, aren't we?" asked Hermione. "If the Justice League is after us, that means-"

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT US!" screamed Nocturne.

Nocturne punched Hermione in the boobs. Hermione, after rubbing her boobs in pain, lunged at the Mary Sue and started pulling her hair. Nocturne used her eight-inch stilettos as daggers, trying to stab Hermione in the stomach, but Hermione parried every thrust with her wand. Nocturne finally slashed Hermione across her boobs and pinned her to the ground.

Sailor Earth jumped onto Aragog's back and stabbed him with her keyblade. Aragog gurgled in pain and then shook her off of his back. The Sue then shot a stream of webs out of her fingertips, wrapping him in a cocoon of sparkling webs.

"I know all your moves, Sonya!" said Sailor Earth.

"Who the Hell is Sonya?!" screamed Aragog.

Peggy Shipper grabbed Luna, Sora, and Riku by their heads and bashed them together. She then took out a giant gun and tried to shoot them, but she missed every shot.

"…No!" she screamed. "That's not how it happened!"

Peggy Shipper grabbed Luna, Sora, and Riku by their heads and bashed them together. She then took out a giant gun and tried to shoot them, hitting them with a giant explosion that was super cool because Peggy Shipper is super cool. And then the three got captured for _some raison_.

"That's better!" Peggy said.

Lapis Lazuli and Ron started to fight. However, Lapis Lazuli was too perfect and too kawaii desu to actually fight, so she cried sparkly sugoi tears and Ron felt sorry for her, so he laid down and played dead. Then little critters came out of nowhere to comfort Lapis.

Madison Misery began to fight Dumbledore. Madison then stopped as her phone started ringing. She answered it. It was the doctor. Her favorite pet squirrel Kiki's cancer had taken a turn for the worse. She, much like Lapis, began to cry sparkly sugoi tears, but Dumbledore was not havin' dat shit. He slapped Madison across the face, which made her cry more. Tears fell onto Dumbledore, and their hypnotic powers made him bow down to her and smack himself across the face with a random frying pan.

Leon grabbed Dobby by the nose and punched him. He punched him so hard that Dobby flew up to the sun and came back down. And unlike his lame, stupid comrades, Leon then took out a gun and shot Dobby in the heart, killing him.

Yes, killing him. He's dead. Dobby is fucking dead.

"Look, Hagrid!" Voldemort laughed. "Your band is dying! Especially Dobby, who looks deflated and…like, actually dead. No, really, dead. Now, it's time to die as well!" He took out his magic wand, which for some reason, was Bedazzled. "Avada…"

All of a sudden, the colors of the wind flew around Voldemort and his Sues and stopped them dead in their tracks. The Mystery Woman walked on from stage right and pulled Voldemort's fabulous wand out of his hands.

"Hello, Voldemort," said the Mystery Woman.

"Actually, it's pronounced VOL-DEH-MOR," said a hipster. The Mystery Woman side-eyed him and he ran away.

"Anyway, thank you for keeping my band on American soil," she said, brandishing the wand, "But you see, I can't have you kill them. They're too valuable. Except Dobby, you can kill him."

"Already did!" scream Leon.

"Shut up, Leon," said the Mystery Woman.

"He's the Ron of the group," whispered Ron to Dobby's corpse.

"Midnight Xtasy, you're done," she said.

The Mystery Woman flicked her wrists and the colors of the wind formed a tornado which carried the evil band out of the city. They probably screamed some Pokémon quote, but no one heard it. The Mystery Woman turned her attentions to Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz.

"You missed your gig," she said. "That's not cool."

"We don' cayuh!" said Hagrid. "We need ta save 'Arry!"

"No, you're needed here. My plan depends on it," she said. She tossed away Voldemort's wand and took out her own tomahawk wand. "Now get back to the venue and destroy the city."

"We were going to do that anyway, but why?!" asked Dumbledore.

"As if you haven't figured this all out already!" said the Mystery Woman.

The Mystery Woman took off her glasses and tossed aside her fedora and trench coat. The bands gasped. Dumbledore crapped his pants. The entire city went silent. Luna started to cry, but no critters came to comfort her. Hermione then screamed.

"POCAHONTAS?"


End file.
